Friends...

Hi everyone. Long time no talk to. First of all, as you all probably know my sweet chloe would be a year old this month. Wow! I can't believe she would already be a year old. I wonder as I have always done what she is doing in heaven. I'm sure she is playing with all her other angel friends as sadly she has met so many of her mama and daddies friends babies this year. 

I have learned so much in the past year. Ecspecially in the past month alone.  I for one have learned to appreciate life so much. I had the honor of cooking dinner one night for our dear friends Becca and John. This year John found out he had cancer. I grew up with Becca and as a matter of fact Becca's mom and my dad used to be high school sweethearts. We always said growing up that we could have been one person. Becca lived right down the street from where I lived. When Becca and John got married they moved to Charlotte and since then have moved to Concord near Harrisburg. Well I normally don't like riding that far by myself but I managed to get the guts up to go by myself and I'm glad I did. I was able to do alot of thinking and praying (and crying). I thought about how unfair it was for John to have to go through such a horrible phase in life. Then I thought God wouldn't put someone through that for no reason. God has a plan...God is already showing John he can kick cancers booty and he is. Becca has been such a great mother and wife to their kids. Telling you this story was because what I was taught during that long drive and through alot of prayer was to appreciate life in general. Not to worry about where you are going to be tomorrow. I know most of you have experienced a loved one dying know what I mean when I say this without it sounding sucidial but you arent worried about tomorrow because you are already ready to meet Jesus and knowing your loved one is up in heaven waiting on you makes heaven SOOOOO much sweeter and I didn't think that was possible. Again, not trying to sound suicidial but I cant wait to get there and see Jesus standing there with my beautiful angel!

One thing I wanted to wait and mention at chloe's angelversary was how appreciative I was of so many people in my life. My friend Amanda worded it best when she said that God is bringing together so many true christians who are truely showing the meaning of God but helping others and I have some amazing friends who have done just that. Christina Caldwell, April Kapcha, and Meredith McGinnis if you could see the tears a flowing right now you would be able to see how much I appreciate you three. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Chloe. Everyone knows this of course. There isnt a day that goes by that one of you doesn't call, text or send me something on facebook to see if I am ok. You ladies are a true definition of a christian woman. I do not like that I had to gain an angel to be able to see how amazing you ladies are. I don't know if I will ever be able to show you how much I appreicate you. Christina you don't have to do those boxes but you do and you do them not only in warp speed (lol) but they are the most beautiful boxes I have ever seen. You do them generously and you do them out of the kindness of your heart. I don't seriously know at this point in my life what I would do without you ladies. I love each and every one of you. 

Again I just want to say thank you to everyone who always has a kind word or is willing to donate items for Wings for Chloe or to say that they are thinking of Chloe or Steven and I.  Everything other angel mommies has told me has been true step by step so I find encouragement for others by telling other families who have lost babies the same. I miss chloe so much. No less than I did on September 19th when we found out we lost her. Every sent I have smelled in the air, every touch of the air I feel reminds me of chloe right now. Everything seems the same as it was the beginning of September last year. This is making it extremely hard. We are doing well keeping ourselves busy. It is making me very moody though and I don't understand why because I have not experienced a mood like this since I lost her. Please continue to pray for me, our family and close friends as her birthday approaches. 0=)

I know it's been awhile....

I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged. I don't even know where to begin.  Today I am very sad. Yesterday and today have brought back so many emotions to me.  Meredith, a girl I believe I can now call friend, has became an angel mommy.  She has twins, 4 months old and one of her sweet twins went to be with my sweet chloe in heaven.  I am saying this and I'm not saying it lightly and to sound mean or that I don't care but for some reason meredith has been on my mind more than any other time I found out other angel mommies became angel mommies.  Not that when I found out any of my other angel mommies are any different.  Her sweet angel, Khoen, was only a month younger than my niece and I believe this is why it has hit me so hard.  I know people tell me all the time how strong I am but I am not nearly as strong as some of the angel mommies I have met who have lost babies who have lived on earth.  Those angel mommies are some strong angel mommies.  ;) It is not something any of as mommies should have to go through but something we will probably never understand because once we get to heaven all that stuff wont matter because we will be with our loved ones.  Our babies!! Finally!!

See it is crazy how people who have been in my shoes before me always told me you will go through stages of your grief because I have sure went through those stages but I am not saying this in a bad way because by all means I need everything I can to grieve my child I lost.  People still talk to me and tell me well if you have another girl why don't you name her chloe.  You would be suprised how many times I have been told this.  This to me is the most hurtful thing.  You have forgotten I HAVE a child named chloe.  I DONT NEED TWO CHILDREN NAMED CHLOE.  I have went through many feeling so happy.  I have went through many days feeling angry.  Questioning God (yes I did this and hate I did) why on earth he would ever take my child from me.  I have went through days where I just wanted to be alone so I can cry.  (Yes I still have whole days like this) I have went through days where I didnt want to be alone and didn't want my husband to even go to work but I knew he had too.  I wish all I could do is see my daughter smile but I wont be able to till I get to heaven.  I have to be patient. I want to ask for everyone to pray for my friend meredith and her family and continue to pray for steven and myself and our families.  Pray one day no mommy or daddy will have to go through what we have went through.  Pray as we are still trying to give miss chloe a brother or a sister.  Love you all.

In remembrance..

First of all I want to apologize for promising y'all a blog at least every month and last month I let you down.  Last month was full of excitement and stress.  I just want to take the time to thank so many people in my life for continuing to be there for Steven and I.  It is VERY true what people say that have lost a loved one especially a child that people tend to forget that that child didn't just go away in your mind.  It seems as if people have got to where they don't want to talk about Chloe to me anymore.  I know a lot of close family and friends remind me all the time with a sweet text saying Chloe is in my back yard or just bringing her up in general.  You have no idea how many times I have started to feel sad and a text will come across my phone from one of you letting me know that you saw her or that you are thinking about me.  Just about every month from September when Chloe passed my friend Christina sends me a text either letting me know she has seen Chloe and most of the time on the 20th I get a text from her letting me know she is thinking of me today. :)))))))) I love you Christina! :) I am by no means saying everyone else needs to call me every time they see a butterfly or on the 20th. I am just acknowledging that if you know someone who has lost a baby/child or someone they love please don't be scared to bring them up to their loved ones.  It hurts us more for you to look us in the eye and not say anything.  The reason I bring this up now also is because I ran into a friend of mine whom I haven't spoken to since Chloe passed and I could tell by the look on her face she wanted to ask me something about Chloe.  I know everyone gets tired of hearing me talk about her as well and I'm sorry but she is my daughter and in heaven or not I am going to brag a bit. ;)  Sorry to vent to everyone in this way but this has been something I have held in for awhile.  Some days I feel as if I should be in a nut house and others I feel guilty for having such a good day.  We are still trying to conceive and it is very hard to relax and keep your mind occupied at the same time.  Every time "that time of the month" (So sorry...TMI) comes I secretly cry my eyes out for a little bit.  This month I was at work...I had to take a minute and just cry but I did and I moved on from that moment.  I cry because that is longer I have to wait for my rainbow baby and I cry because I think of my precious angel.  Once again I tell everyone and once again not to sound like I am being suicidal but I cant wait to get to heaven and see that precious baby.  I know it will be a fighting battle between Steven and I who holds her more.  I will never let her go.  John 14:1-4

I also wanted to share with everyone something I know only a few people know but two weeks before we lost Chloe is when I was saved.  Everyone that knows me knows I am terrified of storms.  It was storming that night and Steven said if you are scared you need to pray for Gods protection.  I said but I'm scared to die and he said well if you are saved then you shouldn't be scared to die.  I said well I'm not 100% sure I am saved then and on that night is when MY HUSBAND led me to the Lord.  Of course most of you know I grew up in a Methodist church and I am by NO MEANS saying anything bad about ANY church but everyone knows that the Baptist dunk you and the Methodist "sprinkle". So when I was saved my preacher told me that we would wait till after I had Chloe to have my baptism.  So tomorrow night I am going to be baptized.  :))

Please continue to pray for us and we love and thank you all.


Ashley

 Hi everyone just about had a mini heartattack just a minute ago. I thought someone deleted my blogger account when they hacked into my email. You wouldve heard me screaming from whereever you are.
So I just wanted to take this time to ask for everyone's prayers as I have applied to become a parent coordinator for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  For those of you who don't know NILMDTS is a non profit organization where professional photographers volunteer their services for free to families who have lost children due to death.  Most of you know that this was the wonderful organization that was brought up to me by Katie Henson and April Kapcha, two dear childhood friends of mine when my husband and I lost our daughter.  If it wasn't for Chanda Pope and her gift I would not have such beautiful pictures/memories of our daughter.  Becoming a parent coordinator I would be doing the following: assist the local Area Coordinator, local photographer recruitment (finding photographers who are willing to volunteer their services), help bring awareness of our program to the hospitals and local community (which is one of the main reasons I want to do this.  I believe the hospitals should offer these services in the event this happens as soon as the patient feels comfortable), work with local media to talk about our services and local families serve  , local fundraising – assist or participate in local events to help raise funds for NILMDTS,  and help hospitals locate local photographers when sessions are needed (if there is no area coordinator or when filling in for the coordinator). I have been praying that they accept me for this position that I want to raise awareness as much as possible.  I knew I wanted to raise awareness one way or another for why things like this have to happen. I am going to volunteer for the March of Dimes as much as possible as well. I am going to be an advocate for mothers and fathers having to go through losing a child like my husband and I. Thank you in advance for the prayers. Love and miss you Chloe.


Love Ashley

Whats next...

Wow do I have so much to blog about but dont know how to put it in words (or lack of sleep might have something to do with it.) I feel like I havent blogged in forever and this makes me sad.  So where do I begin...

First off I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.  Steven and I couldn't believe how fast our favorite holiday came and went.  I wanted to thank everyone again that participated in chloe's stocking.  Having so many people do so many things for others in memory of our sweet Chloe was the greatest gift I received all Christmas long.  Words cant describe how much we appreciate every single thoughtful idea everyone did.  Here stocking was overflowing (literally I had to take most of them out) All thanks a million times over to Samantha for making this beautiful stocking for us.  Samantha you really are a blessing. I really hope to do this again every year in memory of Chloe that way every year her stocking wont hang empty and in hopes that people will have a whole bunch of random acts of kindness to do.  Like I said before Christmas seemed like such a blur to us because we were so busy and im sure that God and chloe had something to do with that.  They both know that keeping us busy keeps our minds off being sad and im sure they didnt want us sad during our favorite time of the year.  Lets just say that I hope that next year im able to get my Christmas decorations put up before New Year's Day. 

After Christmas I thought everything would slow down...well I thought wrong.  Three days after Christmas one of the sweetest gifts of all came into my life in the form of a 6lb 19inches long beautiful baby girl.  My sweet niece Ryleigh Addison:

There isn't a single day I don't look at this sweet face and think of my precious Chloe but I wouldn't change that for the world. I love love love being this babies aunt.  If I cant be with my baby right now I will just spoil the heck out of her. :) Sorry Megan.

Just last week I had my niece and nephew (my brothers kids for those of you who dont know) and they were able to meet Ryleigh and this picture has stole my heart:

 I always say there's all my babies minus one when I show everyone this picture.  I noticed the last time I saw this picture that there is a tiny bit of light on Ryleigh's foot that I say is Chloe in this picture. :)

Last friday stevens grandmother fell and broke her leg.  This is the grandmother that lives across the street from us.  She had to have surgery and is now in rehab.  Everyone please say a prayer for her so she may have a speedy recovery.  Problem is recovery isnt going as well as planned.  See stevens grandmother has dementia and it is hard for her to remember that she cant walk.  This frustrates her that she cant remember that she cant walk and the fact that she cant walk.  Both of stevens grandparents are always on the go. His grandfather is such an inspiration to anyone he is in his 80's and has CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and still runs a farm everyday.  He has good days and bad days and it has been just as hard on him since stevens grandma has been in rehab because being without her has put him at such a loss. Which if steven and I had been married for as long as they have (50+) and I was without steven for just one night Im sure I would be lost as well. 

One thing that has been really heavy on my heart is the other day I was scrolling through status' on facebook "facebook stalking" haha.  One status in particular made me stop one of my friends from high school's caught my eye.  One of my friends friends a girl I dont even know had lost her baby at 8 weeks. Upon reading her status it weighed so heavy on my heart.  I told my friend I really needed to get in touch with this girl.  I still dont know why to this day God led me to talk and pray upon her but I did.  I messaged her and found out her name is Amanda.  Her and her boyfriend have one little girl already but lost their second baby at 8 weeks.  She had to go to the hospital and have a D & C and this broke my heart.  I prayed and prayed all day long.  My heart was broke into a million pieces all over again for this girl.  The way my heart has been heavy on this sweet girl you would think we were sisters.  We have been messaging and texting since the day she lost the baby.  We are becoming the best of friends.  Pray for this sweet girl please.

Like I have said before I am asking everyone to please say a prayer for me and my family.  We have a lot going on and I in between working my full time job, helping with my sweet niece, and helping with Stevens grandparents have found this very challenging for Steven and I but we know God is the only one who put us in the position we are in now.  There is a reason for everything and we don't know what that reason is now but we will know or we may not when we get to heaven.  Thank you all for continuing to be by our side as we still grieve often and miss our baby more than everything.  We just keep the faith and know that we will see her again and all of our other loved ones.  Love you all. God Bless.

Merry Christmas & Thank you!

Merry Christmas everyone!!! No one will ever know how much I truely miss my precious angel in heaven.  Today at the end turned out to be harder than I thought.  We made sure even if it was going to be 1145pm we were going to go to the cemetary and we did and I broke down crying histerically.  Something I havent done in a long time. Upon reading alot of peoples post who have lost a baby theirselves what im about to tell you may sound strange but I had the feeling tonight when we were there that I wanted to bust through her grave and pick her up and hold her.  I kept thinking I bet she is cold and I wanted to pick her up and keep her warm.  So I just broke and cried and cried and steven held me.  I guess it was something that I needed to do.  I have to know that I will see her again and something reassured me of that when I was there.  What a glorious day it will be when we all get to see her beautiful face again.  Spending time with my wonderful family like always made it much better. 

Steven and I want to thank every single one of you who contributed to chloe's stocking.  I am most grateful for every single blessing someone recieved in memory of my baby.  We took the time to read, pray, and cry over every single act of kindness.  I know thanks to you all miss chloe is smiling down on us in heaven.  Please continue to pray for us as we journey through the next year hoping that each passing moment is a whole lot easier.  I know nothing will be the same without chloe but I know my days will get easier.  I hope I can do the same thing each and every year and the random acts of kindness get longer and longer in memory of chloe. 

Again I want to say Merry Christmas and may the Lord bless each of you.

Christmas Blessing

Hi everyone.  Please let me start by saying how much I apologize for not blogging in over a month.  I have been so busy and like I have told everyone I believe my body is finaly telling me I need to slow down because I am now sick.  Have no fear people I dont believe I have anything that is contagious! I just feel like someone has punched me in the side of my head and this morning I sounded like an 80-year old man.  No fun!! 

This past month has been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride.  My emotions alone have been enough for Steven and I both.  I am truely blessed to have such an amazing support system throughout all of this.  (As if I havent said that enough) :) Just in the last week I have been working on wreaths...which I started not to long ago.  Not too many people know I do them but I love doing them.  I love seeing the beauty in them when they are finished.  My sister showed me how to do them and I have been doing them ever since. 

Last week we recieved a phone call from my mother in law telling us that stevens uncle kirk wasnt doing well and they thought he was going to go to be with my chloe.  That night we went over to his house and they took him to the hospital and had all kinds of infection built up in his lungs.  Now rewind back to months before when the doctor told him he was going to need surgery for cancer.  They were going to have to put a stint in his vein, and heart I believe and the doctor told him that he may not make it through the surgery.  Now back to now...two days ago they did the surgery and he ended up having a stroke and a blood clot to his brain which left him brain dead and hemorrhaging.  They had him on life support until yesterday when they took him off and this morning around 8:30am uncle kirk went on to be with the Lord and my chloe.  The last thing I told him was "Please take care of my chloe till I get to hold her again"

I have never been so busy during any Christmas season as I am this season.  I cant believe how fast Christmas is coming.  Christmas is in little over a week away.  Wow!  I believe all of my friends and family are definetly trying to keep me busy to keep my mind from thinking to much and I really do appreciate it.  I have always loved being busy.  My husbands grandfathers is one of my inspirations to stay busy.  This man is 84 years old with CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and still runs a farm everyday.  I pray everyday I am that motivated to still go. 

This week I have recieved so many blessings.  Everytime I have asked my father he has provided for me.  Not that I doubted that he would...its just amazing how much I have been blessed with this week.  Just yesterday I know was going to be an emotional day for me because it was my good friend donnies birthday.  He is in heaven with my chloe and his birthday is always a hard day for me and of course his family and friends.  Well I went to go eat breakfast with my mommies group and was kind of bummed more than I normally would be and I knew there was a reason why.  Well I called steven when I left and thats when he told me about Uncle Kirk and I started crying.  I came home still upset and starting to not feel well but I knew I had to get some stuff done. I started thinking of all the stuff I had to still get done  before Christmas and was thinking of how we didnt have the money to do it with till we got paid again.  Well on my way out to run some errands I checked the mail and in the mailbox was one piece of mail and it was from my ob.  I was thinking great another bill.  It wasnt it was a check.  What a blessing that I needed at this time.  Tomorrow will be 1 year ago that I vowed to love honor and cherish a great Godly man and we can now do something on our anniversary instead of paying bills and I believe miss chloe had something to do with that. Earlier today I got a message from my friend samantha that told me she wanted to send something to me and needed my address so of course I gave it to her.   Just about 30 mins ago I sent out a message to all of my good friends and family on facebook talking about the random acts of kindness I was hoping people would particpate in memory of my chloe and not but maybe 15 mins ago samantha suprised me with what she was going to be sending me.  Telling me that she made chloe a stocking.  This brought tears of joy to my eyes.  I had been praying for God to someone how show me the perfect stocking for my chloe and he not only showed me the perfect stocking but also the amazing person who sent.  Samantha I know I have told you a million times now but thank you once again.  I will leave you with one more thing before I go to bed I am finally seeing things in what I would hope God wants me to see them in.  I had to be honest so many questions as to why this had to happen to me.  Why did I have to lose my baby?  I of course hate that it took me seeing what is meant to be in this way.  I have heard people say and I dont want people to think it upset me because it didnt...turn around and say to me dont you think God wouldnt do what he did if he was truely what everyone says he is.  Trust and believe I turn right back to them and say my God did this for a reason and I may not know why now but with me knowing who he is and believing there was a reason for this I will see my daughter again and I will know then.  I hope yall have a Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year...I of course hope to write again before then but just in case I dont get to.  Love yall and God Bless!