Rough day..

So I've been reading up about the different stages of grief.  Very true stuff for sure.  I will have to admit that I thought before I starting doing research on this that it was going to be crazy.  They say you go through stages such as shock, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, etc.  I believe I am going through the whole pain and guilt stage now because I feel like I have a million what ifs? They talk about people going through this stage will be thinking about how they wish they could done this or that with their loved one and how they would've done things differently.  I caught myself asking Steven last night and please don't fuss at me for this anyone but I told him I thought I shouldve known that my fluid was leaking out.  That I could have rolled over to my back or on a bad side that night and that's when she pinched the chord.  WHAT IF?  Steven told me not to feel that way because it is definitely not true.  The books also talk about how you will go through alot of pain and my heart has felt extremely heavy.  One thing I don't understand is how my husband is so strong.  Who's to say that he isn't just being strong in front of me but I havent seen him cry or anything and I envy that.  I want to be strong! I know he misses her and his heart is just as heavy too though.  Everyone tells me that guys grieve differently.  This I know for sure.  People warn me of things to come all the time & I definetly appreciate that. At least it gives me a warning on how im going to feel.   

When the weather is dreary like it is today it doesnt make it easier not only because this weather is depressing for anyone but when chloe was born it was pouring rain.  : (  This is suppose to be my favorite time of the year and I dont know if I can feel the same way about the cooler weather.  The whole thinking how happy I was going to be being able to put a costume on my baby girl and being able to take her to Thanksgiving at my grandmas.  Christmas is going to be so hard.  I hope I can think differently about the holidays but with Halloween fast approaching I cant imagine how quick Christmas is going to be coming. 

One more thing I wanted to share with everyone is a book called I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.  This book is a book I have been able to associate with in so many ways.  It has also helped me cope. 

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Kinda Random.....

Not saying this, like always, to try to make everyone feel sorry for me but I really wish I knew why this has happened to me.  Why do I have to lose a baby.  I wouldnt wish this on anyone but why me?  I am a very strong christian woman but I guess my question is what is God's plan for me?  Will I ever be able to share in the joys of having a child? 

Losing chloe has made me research more into my thryoid condition everyday.  I dont believe that I lost chloe because of my thryoid condition I still to this day believe it was an accident with the chord and I have told many of you that.  My thyroid condition is called pituitary resistance to thyroid hormone (Thyroid hormone resistance) Like the definition says there is only 1 in 50,000 people who have this rare condition.  I have read many articles from doctors and have asked a million questions to my endocronologist.  My endocronologist doesnt believe that me losing chloe has anything to do with my THR.  She may not have had my gene is the reasoning though.  So who is to say that if it is God's will that we have another child she/he may not have my gene and has THR.  I really want to have another child but I know I am going to be terrified.  Many people have tried to advize me againist getting pregnant again because they are afraid for ME not for the baby.  Afraid I am going to stress myself out.  I know this is going to be something that if we really want to have another child I must get over.  To be honest I may be pregnant now and it terrifies me but if I want another child this is what has to be done. One of the questions I have asked my endocronologist is...Is there a way to tell if my next child will have this thyroid condition while still in the womb?  He told me they could and that would be able to tell through testing the amnotic fluid.  This also makes me nervous because this is the only test I opted out of doing with chloe because the high risk of miscarriage.  :,( This may have saved her life but I promise everyone I am not blaming myself. 

I hope everyone understands that I dont blame anyone anymore upon hearing that chloe had no abnormalities.  God has laid it on my heart that he just wanted chloe more than we did and I believe he is telling me that we will have no problems concieving, carrying, and birthing our next child.  Upon God telling me this we are now trying again ;) TMI sorry.  We ask that everyone please pray for us.  I promise as soon as we find out which may not be for months we will let everyone know.  :)

From a mother of an angels prospective

I wanted to take this time during my blogging and just let everyone know that nothing you say to me is going to absolutely make me break but today I came across someone who may have hurt my feelings.  Im not letting yall know this to feel sorry for me but to just keep you aware of this for anyone else who has lost a baby or anyone in general.

I was explaining to a lady today what my doctor told me at my visit on monday and she basically told me that my doctor is an idiot.  By telling me I could go ahead and try again.  I see her prospective because I have heard that it may be too soon from many people and I respect their opinion.  Now to anyone else and for some reason any other day I would be ok hearing this but not everyone feels this way.  I was taken aback by what she said only because it made me think.  Think if what I had took from the doctor.  My prospective on what he said WAS stupid.  Hmm! Well I thought about it and I think that woman was an idiot. 

Needless to say and I have said from the beginning of my blogging that some of the stuff I may say and not make any sense but its just me talking from my head.  Like I just posted on facebook we want to talk about our story not keep it bottled up.  I leave you with this post...infant heartache and hope you read it and some think about what they say to people who are put in a situation where they have to deal with heartache like myself.  Thank you for listening and God Bless.

Praise God

God is good!!! Today as most of you know was my follow up appt with my ob.  I was extremely nervous about this appointment.  Nervous about walking through the same door I walked through 4 weeks ago at the same time I walked through it and found out that I would never get to meet my precious chloe on this earth.  I had asked for everyone to please say a prayer for me and surround me with their thoughts and love and believe me they were felt.  I walked through that door with such confidence that I would be ok and what I was going to hear was going to be exactly what Gods plan was and I was ok with whatever he wanted to use me for on this earth.  Caroline went with me because steven couldnt get away from work today.  We walked in signed in and turned around and caroline had sat in the same place she sat when we were here 4 weeks ago.  I was ok with this and decided to sit in the same seat I sat in that day as well.  They had me fill out one of those "questionaire" like  papers.  You know the ones where they ask you about every single system in your body and every single thing that possibly could be wrong with it.  ; ) When this little old woman who was sitting in front of us asked me a question.  "Is this your first time here?"  I said "no ma'am."  She said "Well they didnt give me one of those papers."  I felt like I needed to explain myself to this woman for some reason but didnt get a chance too.  I know that has nothing to do with anything but for some reason felt like I shouldve said something to that woman about chloe for some reason...guess I will never know or maybe I will.

They took us back and the doctor talked to me asking me if I was ok.  How was I holding up.  I felt at ease and felt as if I could talk to him forever for some reason.  He told me that the results of the chromosone test found that she had no abnormalities.  Like I said she was too beautiful for earth.  She was I know perfect.  I know now more than ever that it was an accident with the chord but my doctor wants me to go see the high risk doctor and get more blood test done but the great news was hearing that we could try again whenever we were ready.

See I know I have told everyone that I feel like everyone is going to think that I am forgetting about chloe by trying again but I am at peace that chloe is in heaven and I WILL see her again when I get there. Please continue to pray for us that it is God's will that we are blessed with another beautiful baby.

Bring the rain...

Hello friends I just want everyone to know how great my God is and blessed me today many times knowing my sweet baby is happy and in heaven with Jesus.  I get to experience on a daily basis how great he truly is hearing a new testimony from someone who has been where I am now.  Some people I experience this with are people I have known since I was young and some people I have never met a day in my life. 

Today I had a good/bad experience taking a trip to Target ((on my own needless to say)) to just grab a couple of things.  I was heading to the aisle where all the detergents were to get my oven cleaner and leave.  Upon my way from the grocery section to the register I saw 2 pregnant women which hasnt made me sad until that point.  Then I got in line...in line in front of me was a couple who bought a jumperoo and a bunch of little baby girl outfits and behind me was a woman and what seemed to be either her mother or her mother in law with a pink baby bath and the boppy pillow with the owl cover on it.  This made me very sad at this point and for the first time since I have been out in public I was about to break out into tears in the target checkout line.  O nooo! All the sudden I looked up and I saw on a gift card a butterfly and someone had put a hairbow on top of the candy that had a butterfly on it.  Wow this was definetly chloe telling me it would be ok.  She never ceases to amaze me!! Letting me know she will be ok....I love her so much!

I know I seem like a broken record when I say this but I cant explain it but it is amazing how we feel every prayer when someone prays for us.  Please keep it coming because we love that feeling.  Monday I will be going to the doctor and of course we are hoping that God has healed me and we can try again soon for another precious baby.  I am going to leave you with a song that has been in my head all day long...Bring the rain

my sweet butterfly

Hello everyone I just wanted yall to know how much your sweet comments are everytime I open up an email, or my facebook page.  Recieve a text or a phone call.  It really does help and I cant say this enough but I feel every single prayer.  Seriously its like I feel each one individualy.  I have never felt anything like this before and it is awesome to feel Gods love through family and friends.  I of course did not want it to be in this situation but it shows me there are good people in this world and people do care.  We have recieved so many blessings since chloes passing.

I know I have already spoke of this today on facebook but I have had a big smile on my face ever since I left work and was on the way home I was listening to Laura's Story "Blessings"...great song if anyone hasnt heard it.  love this song when on this gloomy cloudy day the sky opened up and turned bright blue right above my house and a bright yellow butterfly flew down toward my windshield and then flew up and over my car (thank goodness).  I definetly belive that that beautiful butterfly was my sweet daughter letting me know she is ok.  I have came to peace with the fact she left us so soon and is now in a better place in heaven waiting on her mama and daddy and family and friends on jesus' lap but I am still hurting and like I said I know its normal to feel hurt through all this but I am ok with that. 

I miss her sooo much but I know my sweet butterfly is here on earth and she visits everyone all the time.  She is obviously sociable like her mama.  I will see her in heaven one day!

First day isnt going to be my last

First of all I just want everyone to know that I absolutely love the color red now because if you followed my last blog you read that we have come to the realization that chloes favorite color must have been red for sure.  : )  Also maybe all you mamas know this but I could spell anything...was actually the best speller in my family but I cant spell for nothing since I gave birth to my daughter.  Blesss!!

Yesterday was our first day back to work...it went well keeping me busy.  After being at work till 4 my sweet sisters met me at carolines house to paint pumpkins for chloe.  We are going to put them on her grave thursday.  After that we came home and I had my moment when everything got calm and I broke and cried but I know that is normal and will happen but I dont like it to happen of course.  I appreciate everyones thoughts and prayers yesterday between phone calls and texts and of course my coworkers and residents.  Speaking of residents one of residents who I would have never thought cared came up to me and sat on one of the seats in the hall and kept looking at me as if he wanted to ask me something.  I told him hey and I know he wanted to ask me something about the baby.  He said did you have the baby and I told him we lost her and he looked at me with tearful eyes and gave me a hug.  All he kept telling me was im so sorry and it brought tears to my eyes knowing he cared! 

Tonight I have been doing so well.  My husband is the greatest making me laugh when I need to laugh and knowing just what to say when I need to say it.  I actually was able to come home and be by myself for 3 hours.  I know that sounds crazy but that is extremely difficult for me since I havent been by myself for longer than 15 minutes since September 19th.  I know one thing too is that I def wouldnt make it if it wasnt for my husband, my family and friends.  Everyone has truely walked into my life exactly when I need them and I know more than ever that there is truely only one person who can do that and that is God.  If it wasnt for my faith I wouldnt be here.
Thanks again for reading!

Baby pumpkins

Well like I said before your going to catch me on here rambling about whatever and speaking whats on my mind.  Today has been a good day.  We got somethings accomplished but has made a bigger mess in our living room because of it haha.  What I have got strong in doing with the nursery in packing everything up for the time being and cleaning out the closet is now in totes in the living room till our storage building arrives sometime this week.  O joy!!

Today we went to the pumpkin patch with my dad, and sisters to pick out a 'baby' pumpkin from all of us that we are going to decorate and put on her grave (carolines idea).  We have 3 sweet little pumpkins that caroline, megan and I are going to paint tomorrow when I get off and take to her grave.  I hope she will enjoy how much love she is getting on all these holidays because I know I will be out there decorating her sweet grave every holiday rain or shine.  I will have to find as much RED stuff as I can because we think her favorite color is red due to the fact that her light up butterfly stays on red longer than any color.  So im pretty sure she might not have cared to much for her pink room.  Haha!

Tomorrow we go back to work and I am ready to go back but in the same sense I am not.  Not looking forward to getting back in the swing of things and defintely not looking forward to facing this without my sweet husband.  Steven is who is there when I break to tell me everything is going to be ok and she is in a better place.  I pray I will make it through the day tomorrow.  I definetly tell myself I can be strong.  We went and got all the pictures chanda made for us printed off so I can show them off like a proud mama.  Steven and I both have wallets and I have a photobook of a bazillion 4 x 6's....We also got a photo collage so we can hang her pictures up in the house and a 5 x 7 of our favorite pictures. 

I miss her so much and I know I will see her again one day.

Heres where I start...

Well here it goes...

Hi my name is  Ashley.  Im going to try this whole blogging thing to keep a journal of all my thoughts.  I am an open book.  Some people in my situation would fold up and close themselves in and not talk about whats going on but not me it helps me to talk about what is going on with me. About whats going...hope yall enjoy my incorrect grammer and when I write I intend to just type/write whatever is coming on in my head so if it tends to not make since then that is why and those of you that know me well will understand what im saying. :)

For starters I am 28 years old and married to an amazing man; Steven.  We have been married since December of 2010...yes we are still pretty much newly weds.  We have 2 dogs; Cody a rat terrier who is 6 years old and Bailey a husky mix who we rescued who is 2 years old.  We have known each other since 2001 when we were working together at chick fil a (ha) and we remained friends through the years.  One day we decided to start dating.  January 6, 2010 actually.  On November 6, 2010 we got engaged and on December 16, 2010 we got married.  Late January 2011 we found out we were pregnant and that is where my life began.

We found out we were going to have a baby girl; Chloe Marie Friel.  Daddy of course wanted a boy...what man doesnt.  He wouldnt trade a girl for anything now.  Being that my favorite color is pink of course I wanted everything to be done in pink.  The nursery was painted pink and everything that was for chloe was done in pink.  Her room was finally done when I was 35 weeks pregnant.  Woooo didnt think it would done EVER with my whole nesting thing.  Those of you who dont have kids will see...this is a true event during pregnancy.  You will want everything perfect and if its not the pregnancy hormones come out and you either whine to your husband till you drive him crazy to change it or you clean/fix it yourself.  My dad and steven were the ones who were working on the nursery.  My dad was determined to start from scratch and so they did they gutted the walls and put new ones up, put up new crown molding and base molding, like I said they painted the walls pink and when they were done I decorated.  I couldnt wait to get my baby girl home in it...well all this changed Monday, September 19th, 2011.

On Monday I got up like any other monday and took a shower and once chloe felt that shower hit her she woke up kicking me.  Which I absolutely loved even if it was in my ribs.  I got ready went to work and worked a regular work day like I would any other day but this day was different.  Needless to say I know I cant change things because things happen for a reason but if I could take back this time line I would.  I went upstairs to eat lunch with all my fellow employees like we do everyday give or take around 12 noon.  When we came back down from lunch about 1 o'clock I started what I wasnt sure at the time was contractions.  They were coming and going and coming and going extremely fast...not really letting up in other words.  Everyone at work was telling me I was in labor but I was like well I only have till 3 and the chances of me having this baby in 2 hours was slim to none.  So I waited it out till the end of my shift at 3 and then I took one of my coworkers home in dallas and called my doctor.  I told the nurse that I think I may be having contractions can I come in to be checked?  They said sure come on in we will see.  I was on the way to the doctor and called steven.  Steven works in York county and out of all the days was on the other side of york county and what would have took him about 45 mins to get to my doctors office so I called my "baby" sister Caroline.  Caroline met me at the doctors office and we went in and at that time I told her since they were going to check me if you want to wait out here if you want, she did.  The nurse took me back and weighed me and took my blood pressure.  To this day I still dont know exactly what my blood pressure was but they said it was high and had me go into one of the rooms and lay extremely uncomfortably on one of those tables on my left side.  Still contracting needless to say.  The doctor came in and put the doppler on my belly and checked for the heartbeat.  He checked...and checked...and checked...hmmm he said.  "Lets go in here and check on the ultrasound and see what we see..."  We went into the room and I knew something was wrong as soon as he turned the screen away from me.  He put the wand on my belly and checked around again....then NOTHING could have brased me for what I was about to be told.  "Well ashley I dont know how else to tell you this but we dont see a heartbeat on your baby."  I broke in a trillion pieces and so did my sister.  The doctor told me if you want im going to get a second opinion to make sure what I see is true because of course we dont want to hear these things so we want to make sure they are true.  I started praying and at the same time mad and hoping that the doctor I had seen the week before wasnt coming in to be the second opinion.  Thank God he wasnt.  The second doctor came in and confermed what the first doctor had said.  We LOST the baby...there was no heartbeat....our baby was gone that fast....slipped from our lives like that...:,( The doctor told me it looks like there wasnt alot of fluid so it could have been a chord accident but we wouldnt know till you delievered her.  From there I had to make what I thought was going to be a call to my husband to tell him to meet us at the hospital we are having this baby today.  Instead I had to call and tell him right then and there so he would hurry that we ARE having his baby today BUT she has no hearbeat.  Steven was devistated and I was worried about him coming that far by himself.  He called me and said we are going to go to the hospital and you are going to have her and she is going to be fine right?  I kept saying no steven she is not ok....my heart broke a trillion times more! The doctor checked me and told me that I was already dialated to a 2 that I would have to go to the hospital now and deliver her naturally.  When steven arrived my dad, both of my sisters were all there at that point.  We got ready and headed up to the hospital. 

A long 17 hours later I delivered a 6 lb 10oz 20 and 1/2 inches long beautiful baby girl who looked as if  she could be her daddies twin at 6:25 am on Tuesday September 20, 2011.  She was so perfect!!!!!!! My mom said the chord looked dehydrated as if to reflect on what the doctor said about the fluid and the placenta was green.  Everyone got to hold her...everyone was my aunt meg, grandma, dad, steven, caroline, megan, and my mom.  She was so beautiful and long.  We couldnt get over how long she was and her feet and hands were huge.  Being that steven and I were both short people we knew she would have out grew both of us.  We were so numb...so sad she was gone.  All the family came in to see her and I was so happy they got to see how beautiful she was.  Friends were coming in near and far and a couple of great friends Katie Thomas Henson and April Darnell Kapcha set up a non profit organization to come in and take pictures of her called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Photography.  Thanks to Chanda Pope, Katie and April we have pictures and a video to cherrish the memory of her forever.  Words cannot express how much this meant to us.  We stayed in the hospital till Wednesday morning and one thing I knew I had to face was going home and I had cried here and there at the hospital but still being in shock it hadnt hit me 100% but I knew it would when I got home.  We arrived home on that rainy wednesday and I just sat in the living room not wanting to go anywhere near the nursery but I knew I eventually was going to have to face it.  Without even having the door open I walked past the room and broke in the hall in front of her door.  Steven had to hold me up because I was about to fall in the floor.  Steven then practically carried me into the bedroom and I cried myself into a 30 minute nap.  When I woke up reality hit me again and again I cried.  After letting my tears flow for awhile I got up the courage to start cleaning up things and I had her lettering that we were going to hang up on her wall on the dryer and steven asked me if I thought I could put the letters in her crib...baby steps...and I did. After that I couldnt go back in there for awhile.  The funeral was on Thursday and we woke up stayed busy and I did well until we pulled up to the cemetary and I broke once again and told steven I didnt think I could do it and then he reminded me of what all we had been through from monday till then and we pulled up to her little white coffin sitting in such a perfect spot out in that field.  She is right below my good friend donnie.  A rose bush is on top of the hill she is on and there is a pretty little tree that has the most beautiful wind chimes on it.  We left the funeral with such a peace and made it to my dads where we were recieving friends and family.  I was so proud showing off the video and pictures of my beautiful baby girl. 

Doctors and nurses told us that it could be a million different things.  We had a chromosone test done and some blood work.  See those of you who dont know I have a rare thyroid condidtion where my body is resistant to thyroid hormone and my thyroid was removed at 11 years of age through radiation.  The week before my tsh level was at a 5 when they did blood work at the hospital my tsh was 30 and this past week I went to the endocronologist and my tsh was a 9.  My endocronologist says he isnt sure why my tsh was at 30 that day and we may never know and I am ok with that.  In my heart I believe what had happened was what the doctor said from the beginning that the chord had collapsed she fell on top of it and died while she was sleeping :,(

See through all this one thing is for sure.  Family, Steven and I, and my relationship with God have became remarkable.  This is definetly Gods way of showing us how real he is because all the people who have came back into our lives through all this is all God.  He showed us who our true friends are and how great family already is.  We dont know what we would do without the prayers, cards, and visits we have had through all this.  I know we are going to try to have another baby when the doctors say its ok. I know chloe would have wanted a little brother or little sister.  I hope this has helped everyone else like it has me writing it and I am going to try to keep up to date with this EVERYDAY.  I know everyone wont read it everyday and that is fine and there will be some post I may not post everyday but feel free to keep up with me haha...Love you all