Heres where I start...

Well here it goes...

Hi my name is  Ashley.  Im going to try this whole blogging thing to keep a journal of all my thoughts.  I am an open book.  Some people in my situation would fold up and close themselves in and not talk about whats going on but not me it helps me to talk about what is going on with me. About whats going...hope yall enjoy my incorrect grammer and when I write I intend to just type/write whatever is coming on in my head so if it tends to not make since then that is why and those of you that know me well will understand what im saying. :)

For starters I am 28 years old and married to an amazing man; Steven.  We have been married since December of 2010...yes we are still pretty much newly weds.  We have 2 dogs; Cody a rat terrier who is 6 years old and Bailey a husky mix who we rescued who is 2 years old.  We have known each other since 2001 when we were working together at chick fil a (ha) and we remained friends through the years.  One day we decided to start dating.  January 6, 2010 actually.  On November 6, 2010 we got engaged and on December 16, 2010 we got married.  Late January 2011 we found out we were pregnant and that is where my life began.

We found out we were going to have a baby girl; Chloe Marie Friel.  Daddy of course wanted a boy...what man doesnt.  He wouldnt trade a girl for anything now.  Being that my favorite color is pink of course I wanted everything to be done in pink.  The nursery was painted pink and everything that was for chloe was done in pink.  Her room was finally done when I was 35 weeks pregnant.  Woooo didnt think it would done EVER with my whole nesting thing.  Those of you who dont have kids will see...this is a true event during pregnancy.  You will want everything perfect and if its not the pregnancy hormones come out and you either whine to your husband till you drive him crazy to change it or you clean/fix it yourself.  My dad and steven were the ones who were working on the nursery.  My dad was determined to start from scratch and so they did they gutted the walls and put new ones up, put up new crown molding and base molding, like I said they painted the walls pink and when they were done I decorated.  I couldnt wait to get my baby girl home in it...well all this changed Monday, September 19th, 2011.

On Monday I got up like any other monday and took a shower and once chloe felt that shower hit her she woke up kicking me.  Which I absolutely loved even if it was in my ribs.  I got ready went to work and worked a regular work day like I would any other day but this day was different.  Needless to say I know I cant change things because things happen for a reason but if I could take back this time line I would.  I went upstairs to eat lunch with all my fellow employees like we do everyday give or take around 12 noon.  When we came back down from lunch about 1 o'clock I started what I wasnt sure at the time was contractions.  They were coming and going and coming and going extremely fast...not really letting up in other words.  Everyone at work was telling me I was in labor but I was like well I only have till 3 and the chances of me having this baby in 2 hours was slim to none.  So I waited it out till the end of my shift at 3 and then I took one of my coworkers home in dallas and called my doctor.  I told the nurse that I think I may be having contractions can I come in to be checked?  They said sure come on in we will see.  I was on the way to the doctor and called steven.  Steven works in York county and out of all the days was on the other side of york county and what would have took him about 45 mins to get to my doctors office so I called my "baby" sister Caroline.  Caroline met me at the doctors office and we went in and at that time I told her since they were going to check me if you want to wait out here if you want, she did.  The nurse took me back and weighed me and took my blood pressure.  To this day I still dont know exactly what my blood pressure was but they said it was high and had me go into one of the rooms and lay extremely uncomfortably on one of those tables on my left side.  Still contracting needless to say.  The doctor came in and put the doppler on my belly and checked for the heartbeat.  He checked...and checked...and checked...hmmm he said.  "Lets go in here and check on the ultrasound and see what we see..."  We went into the room and I knew something was wrong as soon as he turned the screen away from me.  He put the wand on my belly and checked around again....then NOTHING could have brased me for what I was about to be told.  "Well ashley I dont know how else to tell you this but we dont see a heartbeat on your baby."  I broke in a trillion pieces and so did my sister.  The doctor told me if you want im going to get a second opinion to make sure what I see is true because of course we dont want to hear these things so we want to make sure they are true.  I started praying and at the same time mad and hoping that the doctor I had seen the week before wasnt coming in to be the second opinion.  Thank God he wasnt.  The second doctor came in and confermed what the first doctor had said.  We LOST the baby...there was no heartbeat....our baby was gone that fast....slipped from our lives like that...:,( The doctor told me it looks like there wasnt alot of fluid so it could have been a chord accident but we wouldnt know till you delievered her.  From there I had to make what I thought was going to be a call to my husband to tell him to meet us at the hospital we are having this baby today.  Instead I had to call and tell him right then and there so he would hurry that we ARE having his baby today BUT she has no hearbeat.  Steven was devistated and I was worried about him coming that far by himself.  He called me and said we are going to go to the hospital and you are going to have her and she is going to be fine right?  I kept saying no steven she is not ok....my heart broke a trillion times more! The doctor checked me and told me that I was already dialated to a 2 that I would have to go to the hospital now and deliver her naturally.  When steven arrived my dad, both of my sisters were all there at that point.  We got ready and headed up to the hospital. 

A long 17 hours later I delivered a 6 lb 10oz 20 and 1/2 inches long beautiful baby girl who looked as if  she could be her daddies twin at 6:25 am on Tuesday September 20, 2011.  She was so perfect!!!!!!! My mom said the chord looked dehydrated as if to reflect on what the doctor said about the fluid and the placenta was green.  Everyone got to hold her...everyone was my aunt meg, grandma, dad, steven, caroline, megan, and my mom.  She was so beautiful and long.  We couldnt get over how long she was and her feet and hands were huge.  Being that steven and I were both short people we knew she would have out grew both of us.  We were so numb...so sad she was gone.  All the family came in to see her and I was so happy they got to see how beautiful she was.  Friends were coming in near and far and a couple of great friends Katie Thomas Henson and April Darnell Kapcha set up a non profit organization to come in and take pictures of her called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Photography.  Thanks to Chanda Pope, Katie and April we have pictures and a video to cherrish the memory of her forever.  Words cannot express how much this meant to us.  We stayed in the hospital till Wednesday morning and one thing I knew I had to face was going home and I had cried here and there at the hospital but still being in shock it hadnt hit me 100% but I knew it would when I got home.  We arrived home on that rainy wednesday and I just sat in the living room not wanting to go anywhere near the nursery but I knew I eventually was going to have to face it.  Without even having the door open I walked past the room and broke in the hall in front of her door.  Steven had to hold me up because I was about to fall in the floor.  Steven then practically carried me into the bedroom and I cried myself into a 30 minute nap.  When I woke up reality hit me again and again I cried.  After letting my tears flow for awhile I got up the courage to start cleaning up things and I had her lettering that we were going to hang up on her wall on the dryer and steven asked me if I thought I could put the letters in her crib...baby steps...and I did. After that I couldnt go back in there for awhile.  The funeral was on Thursday and we woke up stayed busy and I did well until we pulled up to the cemetary and I broke once again and told steven I didnt think I could do it and then he reminded me of what all we had been through from monday till then and we pulled up to her little white coffin sitting in such a perfect spot out in that field.  She is right below my good friend donnie.  A rose bush is on top of the hill she is on and there is a pretty little tree that has the most beautiful wind chimes on it.  We left the funeral with such a peace and made it to my dads where we were recieving friends and family.  I was so proud showing off the video and pictures of my beautiful baby girl. 

Doctors and nurses told us that it could be a million different things.  We had a chromosone test done and some blood work.  See those of you who dont know I have a rare thyroid condidtion where my body is resistant to thyroid hormone and my thyroid was removed at 11 years of age through radiation.  The week before my tsh level was at a 5 when they did blood work at the hospital my tsh was 30 and this past week I went to the endocronologist and my tsh was a 9.  My endocronologist says he isnt sure why my tsh was at 30 that day and we may never know and I am ok with that.  In my heart I believe what had happened was what the doctor said from the beginning that the chord had collapsed she fell on top of it and died while she was sleeping :,(

See through all this one thing is for sure.  Family, Steven and I, and my relationship with God have became remarkable.  This is definetly Gods way of showing us how real he is because all the people who have came back into our lives through all this is all God.  He showed us who our true friends are and how great family already is.  We dont know what we would do without the prayers, cards, and visits we have had through all this.  I know we are going to try to have another baby when the doctors say its ok. I know chloe would have wanted a little brother or little sister.  I hope this has helped everyone else like it has me writing it and I am going to try to keep up to date with this EVERYDAY.  I know everyone wont read it everyday and that is fine and there will be some post I may not post everyday but feel free to keep up with me haha...Love you all