Rough day..

So I've been reading up about the different stages of grief.  Very true stuff for sure.  I will have to admit that I thought before I starting doing research on this that it was going to be crazy.  They say you go through stages such as shock, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, etc.  I believe I am going through the whole pain and guilt stage now because I feel like I have a million what ifs? They talk about people going through this stage will be thinking about how they wish they could done this or that with their loved one and how they would've done things differently.  I caught myself asking Steven last night and please don't fuss at me for this anyone but I told him I thought I shouldve known that my fluid was leaking out.  That I could have rolled over to my back or on a bad side that night and that's when she pinched the chord.  WHAT IF?  Steven told me not to feel that way because it is definitely not true.  The books also talk about how you will go through alot of pain and my heart has felt extremely heavy.  One thing I don't understand is how my husband is so strong.  Who's to say that he isn't just being strong in front of me but I havent seen him cry or anything and I envy that.  I want to be strong! I know he misses her and his heart is just as heavy too though.  Everyone tells me that guys grieve differently.  This I know for sure.  People warn me of things to come all the time & I definetly appreciate that. At least it gives me a warning on how im going to feel.   

When the weather is dreary like it is today it doesnt make it easier not only because this weather is depressing for anyone but when chloe was born it was pouring rain.  : (  This is suppose to be my favorite time of the year and I dont know if I can feel the same way about the cooler weather.  The whole thinking how happy I was going to be being able to put a costume on my baby girl and being able to take her to Thanksgiving at my grandmas.  Christmas is going to be so hard.  I hope I can think differently about the holidays but with Halloween fast approaching I cant imagine how quick Christmas is going to be coming. 

One more thing I wanted to share with everyone is a book called I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.  This book is a book I have been able to associate with in so many ways.  It has also helped me cope. 

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit