Love You Chloe Marie

I just wanted to let everyone know that today has been a great day.  Of course no day is absolutely great without my daughter but since she has passed this has been the greatest day.  My nerves were absolutely tore up not knowing what I was going to hear upon going to the doctor today.  Now see for some reason I didnt even feel that way until the night before and I dont know why because what the doctor told me made me feel so comfortable.  Dr Smith is awesome.  Any of you who have seen her I hope feel the same way.  Not that I didnt care what she said about chloe because I will get to that.  She told me upon wanting to try again for another baby not to let any person or any medication get in the way of that.  If I and I alone were ready (of course with my husbands assistance hahahaha) she said for me to try again.  My thyroid medication she said could not get to the baby and they would not for any reason let me go past 38 weeks.  My 2 biggest concerns.  So with that being said...we are more than ready.  :)  Now what she told me about chloe was totally not what I expected but its not anything I havent already heard as someones opinion.  See when I delivered her my mom said the placenta was green and I questioned this after I seen my ob.  So I asked her why this was and she said it could have been where she had a bowl movement or it couldve been an infection.  With this being said this could have been why she is not with us but she thinks the same thing I think and have thought all along that my fluid trickled out and she quit floating.  Once again I dont have a definite answer as to why I lost my precious daughter but once again I remind you that I am ok with that.  Most people in my situation would be mad because of this but I have to look at this as to say God needed her more than I did.  I know I have said this and heard this more than I can count but I truely belive this and like I said most people would be angry but I am ok.  We have to move on with our new normal.  Not that I dont wish sometimes I could go back to September 19th and think maybe sometimes what if I could have done something differently.  I know yall are gonna tell me not to think like that but I cant help to do so and Im not blaming myself.  I appreciate everyones continued support and like I said I am thankful for those who call me or text me still to this day everyday.  YALL ARE AWESOME!!

Kinda Sad...

Ok I have had a bad day and wanted to blog so here it goes....I do not normally post about being sad or angry but tonight I am upset. As a matter of fact I am balling my eyes out right now writing this (not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me). I was told tonight something that hurt me really bad. See alot of people tell me that I need to be on medication. I dont wish for ANYONE to be in the situation but I do wish sometimes that people knew what I was feeling and what I was going through minute by minute of everyday. It is so hard to explain and this probally sounds a bit crazy but people that have been in my shoes will know exactly where I am coming from when I say this. See what the people who said to me tonight was basically that I shouldnt have kids if Im going to be depressed like I am all the time....you should be on medication is what I was told. See what people dont understand is that I took medication for my "depression" for a week. This week was a recent week...awhile after everything happened with chloe. See the pain and hurt stay the same no matter if it is a cloudy day, a sunny day, the day I win the lottery. Or when I have BECAUSE I AM IF IT BE GODS WILL WEITHER SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT OR NOT have another child. I know everyone knows I am doing this not to forget about my sweet angel but because I want a child here on Earth. People who have went through a loss of a child and have went onto having another child call their baby "Rainbow babies" bc after a storm their is a rainbow.  See the week I took an antidepressant nothing changed...yes I didnt give it long enough to work I know...that is not what I stopped taking it for.  See I thought I was crazy but I talked with people who have suffered a loss and they all say the same thing.  People including me dont want to stop feeling the loss.  We feel like if we do so we will forget about our baby.  Yes I know this sounds crazy bc I will never forget about her because I know exactly what they mean because it makes you feel like you need to feel loss sometimes.  I do hate this feeling.  I am no longer taking the medication because we are trying again to have a baby.  It is our decision to do this weither or not anyone likes this what hurts is that people dont support this decision. 

beautiful skies....

So first off I just want to start by saying that we went and saw Chloe tonight.  I have not been myself in a couple of weeks and I felt so bad for it.  My dad, Megan and I went and grabbed some dinner and my dad insisted on getting another butterfly light for her grave and so we did.  I am trying to find the cross light if anyone knows where you can find it.  So now Chloe has two butterflies that light up, a nylon butterfly, and some fall flowers aunt Caroline and I got for her.  She is one spoiled baby.  I miss her so much.

I found myself really emotional and crying the other day and I do cry pretty much everyday even if its just my mind wondering and I cry briefly.  Steven saw that I was more emotional than I normally am and asked me what was wrong?  I told him I hate this time change.  He said why and I told him (and I don't know why I was thinking of this late at night) that I wont get to see the sunrise on my way to work anymore.  :(  I told him that every morning I could see the sunrise from the graveyard.  The way I go to work is coming up New Hope Rd. and I turn onto Robinwood Rd. right in front of Gaston Park (I think what its called).  This is the cemetery my paw paw, Nana, and my great grandparents are buried at and every morning I can look over and see the most perfect sunrise.  Beautiful PINKS, oranges and purples everywhere.  No matter what the weather.  Ever since I can remember since Chloe has passed, even if it was raining that morning, somehow the sky opened up right there and had those beautiful colors shining through.  I was sad about having to go to work on that Sunday and pass the cemetery and not see that beautiful sunrise.  I drove down new hope and the further I got down the road as I was talking to God the brighter the sky got.  I said I'm going to miss it aren't I Chloe.  As soon as I arrived at my turn it was beautiful.  The sky was bright pink.  No purples, no blues, no oranges, no yellows.  Just pink!  I have not seen this yet other than seeing the butterflies but this along with them let me know she was ok.  Not that I believe she was in any distress.  I know my angel is in heaven looking down on us now.  That day she told me she was having the time of her life.  I cant wait to be up there in the heavens with all the beautiful oranges, pinks, purples, and blues. 

Luke 23:42 -- And he said unto Jesus, Lord, REMEMBER ME when thou comest into thy kingdom. 43 And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise. :)))